1.10

I woke up with a groan, and blinked my eyes a few times in confusion. My body ached from head to toe, the air smelled of disinfectant, and the bed under me was about as far from comfortable as you can get. Where was I? My vision was blurred, I laid still for a few moments with my eyes shut tight. What had happened? Suddenly, my hands jerked to my stomach that was no longer swollen. They baby! I'd had the baby! I forced myself up, and my eyes landed on the only other person in the room.

"What happened?" I demanded desperately.

He regarded me coldly for a few moments before responding, "You went into early labor due to stress and passed out in the kitchen. Luckily I was on my way home and found her only moments after you'd passed out. I called an ambulance."

I stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds, "W-What happened to the baby?"

"He's okay."

My head was swimming, I felt sick. How could I have let this happen? "I want to see him."

"The doctors said you aren't allowed out of bed for another week."

I glared at him. His voice was so calm, so detached, how couldn't he understand that I wanted to see our son? "Please, Mulberry, I-"

"Lay down, Moon. It'll be alright." His voice was soft, his gaze tender... But only for a moment. He looked away from me, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do anything until a doctor or nurse came in.

I fell back onto the bed with a groan. The effort of sitting up had been too much, and I could feel my eyes closing. I didn't want to go to sleep, I wanted to stay awake and demand to see my son. I fought the exhaustion for a moment longer, before finally succumbing.

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Several weeks later, both Cosmic and I were released from the hospital with a clean bill of health. I'd been allowed to see him just about whenever I wanted in the hospital, but the freedom of being at home was delightful. Mulberry had had little to nothing to do with Cosmic.. Other than naming him. Yes, Cosmic Sky Whisper was a name I'd had nothing to do with. I wasn't complaining, it was a pretty name, it just surprised me that he would even do that. In any case, Cosmic was easily my world. I loved his snuggles, I loved watching his little hand grasp my finger. How Mulberry could ever not want this was beyond me.

I lifted his little face to mine and rubbed my nose against his.

"Welcome home, Cosmic." I murmured.

After I had laid him down, I sat on the arm of the chair in his room and watched him sleep. His rhythmic breaths filled the room, calming me. Mulberry had given me even less attention than Cosmic, which meant he hadn't said a word to me since I woke up in the hospital. He seemed to blame me for what happened during my pregnancy, when in truth if he had just been supportive things would have been fine. I didn't know why it had to be this way, I didn't know why he'd closed himself off, what I did know what that it wasn't fair to anyone... Especially Cosmic. Cosmic deserved a father. That thought strengthened my resolve, Mulberry was going to talk to me.

He came home late, as usual. I didn't know what he was doing when he was gone for so long, maybe I didn't want to know. In any case, I laid awake and waited for him to get ready for bed. Before he could get in the bed, I slipped out and wrapped my arms around him. Feeling his skin against mine for the first time in almost a year was... Nice. I breathed in his scent; Mulberry. I didn't smell anyone else on him. I felt a smile pull at the corners of my mouth, and tears form at the corners of my eyes. He stiffened at my touch, but I only held onto him harder.

"Please stop, it's not too late." My voice was barely a whisper, but even to me it sounded pleading. I only wanted a happy family, was that so much to ask for?

"Stop what?" His voice was gruff, he was still tense, but he didn't pull away from me.. That was all that mattered.

"Stop pushing me away," my voice was breaking, I pressed my face harder into his shoulder, I didn't want to cry. "Please, please can't we be happy? Like we were. I love you so much, Mulberry. I would give anything for us to be happy again."

I felt him relax, he pushed back against me a bit and I squeezed him. My heart soared, everything was going the way I'd wanted it so desperately to. Mulberry and I were going to be okay, he would apologize and things would slowly start to get better.. He pulled away from me gently and turned to face me, I smiled at him, but he didn't return my smile.

"No." My eyes widened, I took a step back in shock. I almost couldn't believe my ears, so I stood there staring at him like a fool for what felt like forever. He opened his mouth like he was going to say more, but in the end he just sighed angrily and shoved past me. I stood dumbfounded for a moment, before Cosmic's cries pulled me from my reverie. 'No'... Funny how one little word could destroy my world.

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 The next year passed in a whir, so quickly it felt like I had only blinked. Mulberry and I never spoke, and the love I'd felt for him was diminishing at an alarming rate. I no longer slept in the same bed as him, I preferred to sleep in one of the twin beds in the guest room. I wanted nothing to do with him, and slowly I began resenting him. Why I didn't leave was still a mystery for me. I no longer held out hope that things would get better, they wouldn't. Maybe I stayed because I wanted to keep the family together for Cosmic... Cosmic... It's amazing that he's already a year old. I threw him a party, but I only invited friends and family. I didn't see them a lot, so it felt nice. My father pulled me into a hug, it felt so good to feel cared for.

I took my little baby to the cake, my heart feeling heavy. Mulberry had refused to attend the party, though I told him about it. I wasn't surprised, but my heart ached for my son. Would he spend his whole life in a house never knowing his own father? Would I allow him to? I could move back in with my dad, Orchid, Lily, any of them. I could. But I didn't, why?

Brink, Rosee and Lily's brother, attended the party. Though I'd went to high school with him, I never really got to know  him. Well, that was a mistake. The two of us definitely hit it off right away. He was so funny, and likeable. Maybe if I hadn't been so shy around boys when I was young we would have been closer. We shared many of the same interests, and where my feelings for Mulberry had dwindled to little to nothing... I allowed myself to think the unthinkable, I knew what I wanted but.... There could be nothing between Brink and I.

"Hey, uh, I was thinking of taking Cosmic to the park tomorrow... You wanna come?" What was I thinking? Why would I even say that? I'd only know Brink a few short hours, but I also knew that the longer I knew him... The more difficult things would become. I knew the feelings that were growing inside me for him, I knew better than this.

"I'd love... If you're sure Mulberry wouldn't mind?" Oh, Mulberry, yes.. My husband...

"Yeah, I'm sure. He's really busy, so I'm sure he won't mind me inviting a friend." I smiled at Brink, and he returned my smile.

"Great, what time?" I stared at him for a minute.

"Oh, around ten." Suddenly, I was feeling guilty. I tried to tell myself that it was just a friendly outing.. But the fact that I had a crush on Brink made it much more than that.

After all of the party guests had left, I went upstairs to get Cosmic ready for bed. He normally got cranky pretty early.. He was definitely an early to bed, early to rise sorta guy.

As I stared into his sweet, innocent eyes I realized just how much he looked like me. He had his dad's hair color for sure, but his eyes were the same shape and color of mine. I grinned as he snuggled into my shoulder, holding him tight.

"My sweet, sweet baby." I murmured into his hair. I could feel him sagging, he was already falling asleep.

I moved over to the chair, cradling him against me. I watched as his little eyes closed, and a smile played on my lips. I didn't take my time with him for granted, I knew before I knew it he would be too big to fall asleep in Mommy's lap.

"My poor little Cosmic, what about your Daddy?"

He gurgled a bit, but was otherwise undisturbed by my outward musings.

The next day, Cosmic and I arrived a little earlier than ten at the park. I placed him on a bouncy ride, and watched him carefully as he pushed it back and forth, giggling uncontrollably.

"Alright, Cos, it's time to get off."

He folded his arms against his chest, poked his lip out, and turned away from me. I tried not to smile, he was so cute.

"Having a bit of trouble?" I jumped as Brink's voice sounded behind me.

I looked back at him for a moment, "Little Cos doesn't wanna stop riding."

He laughed, "Poor little guy."

When we finally coaxed Cosmic off the ride, the conversation flowed easily between us. Not since Mulberry had I met a guy who I felt so comfortable around. Brink was kind, funny, he was perfect really. Probably not the kind of guy who would be interested in a girl with a baby and husband problems. Suddenly, I felt guilty, and not just because I was seeing a man behind my husband's back. How could I even entertain ideas of bringing Brink into the middle of this?

 

He seemed to notice that something was off about me, "What's wrong?" The question was simple, but it had been so long since someone asked me it almost made me want to cry.

"Oh.. Its nothing.. I was just-"

"Aaaahhh!" I jumped at Cosmic's sudden outburst and looked at him. He was normally a quiet baby, but I guess anyone would get tired of being held constantly. I placed him gently in the grass and handed him a toy. Immediately a smile graced his lips. I turned back to face Brink, who clearly hadn't forgotten.

"Well?"

"I-I.." I  searched for the right words, what could I tell him that wasn't the truth but also wasn't a lie? I didn't think the truth would sound to pretty. 'Oh, nothing, I just feel guilty for seeing you not only because my husband doesn't know but also because my life is a piece of crap that I don't want to drag you into. Oh, you thought I just wanted to friends? Not really.' Yeah, that probably wouldn't go over to well.

"I don't know." I finally settled on a lie, but a simple one.

"Moon, if you don't want to tell me, just say so." Instantly I felt even more guilty and rude.

"Its not that! It's just so..."

He pulled me into a hug, and well, I didn't have the reaction I should have. I should have pushed him away, or made the hug really brief. I shouldn't have melted into his arms the way I did, I shouldn't have sought his comfort so desperately that I stayed in his arms way too long, I shouldn't have smiled, I shouldn't have felt as happy as I did that another man was holding me. Well.. There was a lot of stuff I shouldn't have done.

"You don't have to talk to me, Moon, just know that you can."

As we pulled apart, his hand ran down the length of my arm and found my hand. Once again, I should have pulled away.. I should have made it clear that this wasn't acceptable, but all I did was stare into his eyes and smile.

"I shouldn't like you the way I do." The words were simple, but the honesty of them lifted so much weight off of my chest that I could have flown. Brink nodded, he understood. He also understood that I definitely wasn't going to be pushing him away. I didn't know how I could feel this way about him so soon, but I guess it had been like that with Mulberry too. Maybe I just fall too fast.